


The Dark

by schwaampy



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Fear, Makoto Niijima Week, Nightmares, Persona 5 References, shumako
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 00:49:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20733503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwaampy/pseuds/schwaampy
Summary: When the power goes out in the Niijima apartment, Makoto loses her usual composure and freaks out. Makoto's biggest fears manifest as nightmares as she works to overcome them and stay calm until morning.





	The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> If phobia of the dark, or reading about anxiety, is a trigger for you, you might not want to read further! 
> 
> This is also a loose continuation of the other story I wrote for Makoto Niijima Week, which you can access here if you're interested: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20664557. It's not necessary for you to read first, but the two stories go together!

To Makoto, there was nothing else like the suffocating dark. 

_ Did we just... lose power? What the... why?! This isn’t s-supposed to happen... _

As if someone had entered her room and suddenly switched the lights off, the power had completely gone out, without a trace of what had caused it. It was dark inside and out. Lost between the pages of her novel, Makoto was unable to see what caused the lights to go out. No longer able to read, Makoto's eyes blinked twice before grasping the reality of the situation: the closing-in of her surroundings, her bookmark and novel thrown onto her bed, her mind lost in the shadowy labyrinth forming and twisting around her. Being alone in the dark frightened Makoto, as she depended on her Buchimaru-kun nightlight to allow her to fall asleep safely, a gift given by her boyfriend on one of their first dates. To her, it was as necessary as a pillow to rest her head on, and without it, Makoto’s fears paralyzed her senses. But it was gone. Naturally, she clung onto whatever was closest for protection, in this case her blanket. Enveloping herself in the blanket’s soft coverings, Makoto waited for the power to be restored, anxious about whatever lurked in the dark, but reluctantly confident that nothing could reach her while she was hidden underneath her protective shield. She needed only to wait. _ Patience is on my side, I just... need to wait this out... It shouldn’t take too long... _

And so Makoto waited, patiently and nervously, head submerged and invisible to all the encroaching horrors, until she began to drift away, drifting from the story she had been engrossed in, drifting into an uncomfortable slumber beneath the blanket’s turbulent waves.

In her sleep, Makoto dreamed back and forth, to and fro, each dream waking her up momentarily. She had never experienced dreams as visceral, or as immediately terrifying, since she was a child, when her father passed away and she had recurring dreams of what it must have felt like to die without having the chance to say goodbye, or even see you in the next one, to the people she loved. Makoto had a tense, polarizing relationship with the limits of her imagination. She much preferred to occupy her mind with pleasant, naive thoughts, no matter how childish that seemed. 

At first, Makoto dreamed of her sister losing her job. Though at times she was too vigilant in her pursuit of the truth, Sae rarely did anything to question the integrity of her work or her assignments. She made sure of that. It was part of her professional creed. Sae even obeyed her superiors without much resistance, or so she told her sister. That’s why her firing came as a complete surprise to both Sae and Makoto. They left her no explanation, no time to recover. Without a consistent paycheck to cover their downtown apartment, the two sisters would have to find new work to compensate, or worse, relocate entirely, possibly away from Tokyo. _Away from Ren_. Who knew how long the process would take before they found comfort and normalcy again. Makoto feared her life suddenly being ripped away from her, and she feared that there was nothing she could do to stop it from happening, as if one miserable adult’s decision to fire her sister was enough to overthrow all of her hard work in school and beyond. It upset her deeply to think about. Her brain wracked itself against the sides of her head, thumping and bumping until she noticed. More than anything else, more than the need to restore light to her apartment, Makoto wanted to escape this dream, even if it meant returning to the nightmarish dark. 

When she finally awoke, Makoto blinked furiously until her eyes adjusted, ever so slightly, to her surroundings. She had heard the creaking sound of a door, or a window, or the wind pushing open ever so slightly one of the kitchen cabinets. Restless and terrified again, she estimated that it must be at least eleven at night, and at this rate, she had only a few more hours of sleep to go before the sun would absolve this unholy darkness. _How much longer must this really go on for?_ _Why hasn’t someone fixed the power yet? Shouldn't the problem have been figured out by now?_

Makoto's head rested against her pillow, which she held onto tightly. Overcome with curiosity, however, she mustered the courage to leave her blanket fort to see what the creaking sound was about. 

At first glance, her room looked normal, nothing immediately terrifying or out of the ordinary, aside from a few books on her nightstand that weren’t there before. _Did... did someone enter my room while I was asleep? Why would they leave books here? _ Even though she wouldn’t be able to read them while the power was out, Makoto glanced at the books’ covers, enough to see two of their titles. “An Introduction to Japanese Law,” “Japanese Law for Dummies,” and a third whose title she couldn’t make out in the dark. _Who would have gotten me these books? Why... _

“Sae... I need you. Where are you?” Makoto whispered to herself.

Nothing. Sae must not have returned home yet, and the power had still not been fixed, but on the plus side, she was no longer dreaming of her sister’s firing. This was the first time the electricity had gone out in their apartment. In the back of her mind, Makoto cursed Sae’s workplace, how they worked her to complete exhaustion in an unforgiving cycle. Whenever Sae stayed late, Makoto would cook dinner for herself, listen to music by herself, and do her homework in solitude. It wasn’t the same, being home without someone to talk to, though she sometimes enjoyed not having to worry about being distracted. The thick silence is what bothered her, but she also depended on it to concentrate. Solitude reminded her of school, where she studied mostly by herself, except of course for the few times she brought Ren along before their exams, when she offered to help him. When she first invited Ren to study together, she grappled with the question for hours, whether or not to text him. _ Would he even say yes? What if he doesn’t like studying? What if he thinks I’m being too pushy? Should I just accept alienation forever? Why does it have to be like this? _Before she had developed feelings for him, before they pretended to date each other for Eiko, before they decided to expand her surroundings at the arcade, Makoto just wanted to get to know her fearless leader. 

Sae had once warned her to watch out for people like him, delinquents with nothing to lose. _What would Sae think now? _

* * *

“You know Makoto, if you’re thinking of dating any time soon, it better not come at the expense of your studies,” Makoto recalled Sae saying, before Ren asked her to be his study partner and before the two pretended to date each other. 

The two siblings sat opposite each other at the dinner table, on a night when Sae came home on time. It was practically a miracle, though Makoto wished she had brought up a different conversation topic.

“I-... I haven’t put much thought to dating,” Makoto lied. “It just hasn’t really occurred to me.” 

Sae raised an eyebrow at her younger sister, adjusted her plate, and looked intently at Makoto with a familiar expression, one that conveyed distrust and doubt. Makoto knew this expression well. 

“Is that so?”

“Yes,” said Makoto, tersely, having expected her sister to respond that way. “Do you not trust me?”

The atmosphere grew tense, and Sae realized it quickly enough to revert her expression to her usual sisterly affection. 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Makoto. It’s just... you’re a beautiful, talented, brilliant eighteen-year-old who’s never once talked to her sister about boys or dating or even what it’s like to hold another person’s hand, or taking a boy to the amusement park, or-,” Sae stopped herself and put her fork down. She didn’t want to get too carried away, so she rested her head between her hands and exhaled loudly, almost exhaustedly. “I know you don’t like to talk to me about absolutely everything, and that’s fine, but I have to think you’re hiding things from me here.” 

Despite knowing well how her sister would respond, Makoto didn’t want to let down Sae. She was right, after all; for the first time, Makoto felt a tingling feeling in her stomach when in the presence of another person. _Is this the right moment to let her know? I guess it won't hurt..._

“To tell the truth, sis, there is this one boy... I mean!” she stopped herself before getting too flustered. “Not that I would ever date him, just... I think I like him. But don’t worry about me, really, I will always prioritize my studies. I just have a small crush on a boy, that’s all. Totally normal, right?”

Sae grinned ever so slightly, enough for her sister to catch it out of the corner of her eye, but it didn't last long. 

“If you mean to ask if liking someone from a distance is ‘totally normal,’ I know the answer but I don’t think you’d like it,” Sae chuckled to herself. “That sounds troublesome... Can you tell me about this boy?”

Before speaking, Makoto considered how much information to give her, considering Sae was still heavily invested in the SIU’s investigation into the Phantom Thieves. She didn’t want to compromise their secrecy by revealing anything that could potentially incriminate herself or Ren. And in that suspenseful moment of thoughtfulness, Makoto caught Sae tapping her foot under the dinner table, and then she noticed she was tapping her foot too, following her sister’s lead instinctively. The two were tapping their feet back and forth, waiting for the other to make a move. Makoto looked up at the ceiling, took a deep breath, and began.

“He’s...”

* * *

Soon, Makoto drifted off to sleep once more, this time dreaming of abandonment, of living a life bereft of socialization, of complete obedience to her professional duties at the cost of losing her closest friends. She feared her high school years, her tireless efforts to bolster her resume and grades, all for naught, and she feared growing old without any friends with which to share her feelings. _ Just like at school... _ She feared working and working without any free time to enjoy herself. No time to read, no time to practice aikido, and no time to study her curiosities. _Was it all for nothing? _

She dreamed of following orders, of blind allegiance to her superiors, of hidden investigations and long-held secrets. She wanted to escape this dream and run free, run into another dream like changing the channel on the television. But it wasn’t that easy. They didn’t own a television in their apartment, first of all. 

In Makoto’s head, she was already a police officer, standing in the line of duty against the evils of crime. The criminals were seemingly endless in number, and despite her best efforts, she hadn’t been able to stop the drug lord she was after. None of her methods seemed to be working. She wondered if she would ever be able to get him, if she were ever truly able to bring his crimes to light and expose his misdemeanors. She thought of how he had evaded her at every turn, no matter what she had planned. It was almost as if he knew what she was thinking before she thought it. She became suspicious. She wondered if the police and the drug lord were cooperating with each other to prevent her from succeeding. She considered the possibility of working for an evil that blanketed itself in the ideals of goodness, while performing heinous and criminal acts in the name of justice. She thought of the Phantom Thieves. She wanted nothing more than to believe in the police force’s justice, of her father’s justice, of her own justice, but she felt a force holding her back. She wanted to reform the police system, to return it to its ideals of safety and security for innocent people, but what could she do from her lowly position? How much longer did she have to wade around powerlessly as a regular officer before being able to make a substantial difference? _You’re useless, Makoto_. _Useless_. _A push over._ _Useless._

_ Useless_, she thought. _I__ remember... I’m not useless... I’m not... _

She dreamed of needing to take a vacation just to relax her mind and mental health. _Does that make me weak?_ _Am I a fraud? _she thought. _No._... _Of course not_. She wanted to be free from the questions her dreams made her ask herself, as they had such obvious answers. She dreamed of having to take time off at the beginning of her job to set her mind straight, to keep herself afloat. She just needed some time to herself, to rediscover everything she had lost during her high school years, all the friends she could have made, all the relationships she threw away in her relentless pursuit of academic excellence. 

When Makoto finally awoke, her body froze. Nothing would move. Her limbs stationary, mouth locked shut, fingers numb and bloodless. First she regained feeling in her torso, and so she shook back and forth violently. The blanket prevented her from going very far. The darkness seemed thicker and more elaborate than before, and in her current state, Makoto’s self-esteem shrunk until it was nonexistent. 

Makoto wanted to run outside her apartment and ask her neighbors what was happening, but it was too late to bother them, and what if she forgot her keys? _At least I’d be out of this darkness... There must be lights outside._ _I just need to find my way to the door..._ _But what if there's something on the other side? What if someone's waiting for me there? __And__ what about that creaking sound from before? _She imagined herself dashing blindly out her room, opening her closed bedroom door, running down the hallway, into the dining room, and through her home's entrance, away from her terrible nightmares and lonely apartment. But in her struggle to push herself off the bed, she remembered her paralysis. It stung each part of her body to move. Her torso stopped responding to her attempts to violently shake it again. She began to cry, and in her tears, she drifted away one last time.

“He’s...”

"He's..."

She dreamed of a life without Ren. Her boyfriend and ultimate confidant. Though they had only been dating for two months, Ren and Makoto bonded together better than even their closest supporters would have expected. That is, if their friends knew they were even dating. That was still a closely-kept secret, a mystery for another time. So naturally, she dreamed of it being uncovered, of her teammates slowly but surely discovering their secret bond for each other, despite her best intentions. First it would be Ryuji, then he would tell someone else on the team without thinking about it, then the whole school would know and the student council president would be known as just another hopeless romantic, falling for the tough exterior of an adolescent criminal. With everyone aware of their relationship, she worried about being judged for dating the delinquent transfer student. She worried about the rumors reaching her sister, who had once told her not to focus so single-mindedly on romance. But, she told herself, their feelings didn’t matter to her. She was in love. She was desperately and incurably in love. _Impossibly, sublimely, perpetually in love... __Oh god... _It’s not that she was ashamed of their relationship; she just didn’t want rumors and gossip to distract from their professional mission, and she was afraid of what her sister would do or think. But if the world found out about them, she would embrace it proudly before them. Or so she told herself. _I__ have to tell sis eventually, don’t I? _

The more she thought of the topic, the more her dreamed Ren appeared further and further from her side, until finally her vision of him faded into dust. She reached out her hand as if for him to hold tightly, but nothing was there to return the favor. In the cold emptiness of her dreamscape, she waited for him to sneak up behind her and tickle her torso, she waited for him to gently touch her neck and kiss along her cheekbones, she waited for him to grab her hands and warm them inside his coat, she waited and no one came. The vast silence before her only made her loneliness worse. It reminded her of studying alone at night without Sae around, or studying alone in the library during her first two years of high school.

Makoto dreamed of having to face law school next year without him by her side. She feared Sae’s voice shouting at her. 

“I told you this is why you shouldn’t trust boys over your studies!” she would say. 

And Makoto would have to face the truth, that her sister was right. 

_ What if she finds out? _

* * *

“He’s perfect,” Makoto finished. “He’s fearless and brilliant, talented at all kinds of things. A boy totally dedicated to the pursuit of justice... He’s...” 

Sae stopped her before she could gush any more. 

“I think I get it. Just make sure you stay focused, okay? I don’t want you to lose any sleep over this boy,” said Sae, with a stern look about her. “I’ve heard so many stories of girls like you, with such great potential, losing all their professional ambitions to romance. They get swept up in the fantasies of dating someone special, then they’re married and forget about their own dreams. That can’t be you. You’re better than that.” 

“I know, I am... I won’t lose track of what matters most to me.” 

But as Makoto spoke, she felt the same sensation she felt before, when she knew she was lying, as Makoto first began to grapple with the sheer intensity of her feelings for Ren. _ Is love always like this? _Sae decided to change the conversation. 

“How have your law school applications been going?” 

“Great!” Makoto blurted out. “Actually, if you’ll excuse me, sis, I... need to get going on one right now. I’m sorry.” 

Makoto didn’t know why she apologized, but as she left her seat, she whispered another apology. She couldn’t help herself from feeling sorry. She picked up her empty plate and moved it to the sink, washing it slowly and gently, waiting for her sister to say something, anything, about her abrupt exit from dinner. But there were no words. Makoto looked briefly at Sae, the back of her head, after cleaning her dish. She wondered if Sae had any romantic inclinations of her own, and if she had the capacity to sympathize with her struggles. She wished she had anyone close with which to discuss her newfound feelings honestly. 

* * *

It was 6 in the morning. The darkness had disappeared, fading faintly over the skyline. Makoto needed to wake up, but exhaustion overpowered her. _I’m... too tired... to function. But I can’t miss school... My perfect attendance record... _ The sun shone through her bedroom window, overlooking an already miserable morning. Out of instinct, Makoto turned to her calendar hanging up beside her bookshelf. It was a Sunday. _Oh, thank god... _

Makoto looked at her nightstand again, at the two textbooks and the third mystery book lying loosely atop it. They greeted her with a familiar look about them. Makoto finally had a chance to see the details on the covers, no longer blinded by the overwhelming darkness. The law textbooks had ornate cover designs, full of boats and lions and assorted legal terminology filling the gaps between the two. They were a bit intimidating in size, but Makoto resolved to read them regardless. For the first time, she noticed a note sticking out of a book’s binding. She picked it up, unfolded its contents, and began to read aloud to herself.

“Got these for you... Was thinking about a conversation we had a while back. Hope this helps answer some questions for you. Love, sis.” 

Taking a second to realize what must have happened, Makoto waited on her bed, blankly staring at the door across from her. Her mind raced with possibilities and assumptions. _So Sae was home last night... Did she sneak in while I was asleep? How long was I in bed for? Why didn't she come check in on me when the power went out? Why is... _And then, almost like clockwork, she realized the book she pulled the note from, titled “How to Win Over Boys.” Makoto laughed to herself for a minute straight, unable to control herself. 

_ Not the best timing, sis. But I guess this is as good a time as any to fill you in... _

Without hesitation, Makoto turned over the note. Nothing was written on the back, but she wasn’t looking for anything there. Instead, she grabbed a pen from her desk and began writing. She left her completed response on the kitchen table, inside the same book her sister left it in. Her response was only eight words long, but she hoped it got across her intended message. 

“Thanks sis. But you’re about two months late.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks a bunch for reading and making it this far. I hope the (somewhat) happy ending made the reading experience worth it. I wasn't totally sure how to end it, so I'm not totally satisfied with where things left off. Either way, you're the best, and I appreciate you a lot.


End file.
